~ Sweet Bee ~

 "Once in a golden hour,

I cast to earth a seed,

And up there grew a flower,

That others called a weed."

~ Alfred Tennyson

Dear Kora {a.k.a Bee, Cora, & Lanie...} ~ 

As the sun brightens and adds a glow to our home and my mood on this last day in November, there is so much that I want to say to you ~ so much that I want you to know. I've been putting off writing this since the 17th of this month: Your golden birthday. I must admit that I'm a little nervous, and not really sure where to begin...


You are the middle child, but please do not ever use that as an excuse for any hardships that you may face. Although I can easily see how you have grown in the shadows of your older brother {a.k.a The Golden Child...}, and your little sister {a.k.a The Baby...}, you possess a unique inner strength. I believe that your status within our family has only helped you. You have learned how to see all angles of a situation ~ you are realistic. And thank goodness that you aren't needy, yet I want you to know that you deserve the world. As long as your emotions aren't taking over, you are a very sensible girl. Your negotiation skills usually seem to work in your favor ~ you must have gotten that trait from Aunt Sara! You just aren't scared to ask: Why not?

"Three things cannot be hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth."

~ Buddha 

You are strong-willed and usually don't sugarcoat words. Your honesty can sting! A good trait, yet it can cause problems for you as well. You challenge us with your insight and truth at times when we aren't seeing straight. We could definitely benefit from your straightforward advice, once we are in a more rational place of mind. It's so hard for you to hold back what you so easily see. I understand this because when I'm on the other side of the fence, I experience it also.

I used to worry that you questioned yourself and your abilities: When you were little and I would ask you and your brother to clean up the toys, you'd pretty much let Ethan do all of the work. At the time, I thought you were being lazy and smart in a manipulative way. Now, I see that you were avoiding being scolded by me for cleaning up the toys the "wrong" way. I'm an imperfect perfectionist who has always placed too much burden on you to do things my "right" way.

"Keep your head up
And try to listen to your heart
Be kind always, no matter

We all grow up 

Someday we'll say good-bye

So shine your light while you got one

Make the most of what you got...

Fill up your head, fill up your heart

And take your shot

Don't waste time trying to be something you're not..." 

~ DMB, Drunken Soldier

    

There are moments in our lives that we will never forget; moments when we are very aware of our actions and of their consequences. Moments that we wish we could "do over." Moments that we question what it was within us that caused us to behave in a certain way. Why? What were we afraid of? What were we trying to prove? Why is this pattern repeating itself...again?

One of these moments happened while we were in Michigan at your Great Grandma Dee's house. You were 3 years old, and we were on the pontoon boat getting ready to head out to the middle of the lake to watch the 4th of July fireworks. Such a beautiful way to experience Independence Day. I don't remember exactly why, but I was disciplining you for doing something "wrong." Grandma Dee looked at me and said, "Be gentle with her. You don't want to break her spirit." It's no wonder why Grandma Dee {a.k.a. Mary Dorothy...} is so dear to you...

Her words couldn't have been any truer ~ they struck me ~ and I knew that she was right. Imagining the repercussions of my actions has haunted me for years. I was expecting you to act perfectly, and it was limiting who you really were. The message that I was sending you was to behave according to what is deemed "good," and to never speak out or act differently for risk of being punished by an authority figure. Could it be due to the German in me?

Another embarrassing moment for me was when we were in Arizona; this time with Dad's mom's side of the family. You were acting up and I was too stressed to handle things appropriately. I squeezed your cheeks to get your attention. Then I realized that Grandma Elaine {a.k.a Grandma Lanie, & Grandma Buzz...} saw the whole incident. I'm not sure what my problem was. Maybe traveling with a 2-year old and a 3-year old was just too much. I feel as if I've been trying to prove myself "nice" to my mother-in-law, ever since.

MESSAGES FROM YOUR
ANIMAL SPIRIT GUIDES
~STEVEN D. FARMER

Honestly, Lanie, what I was scared of was being judged by my child's behavior. Starting a family so young, I've always felt as if I needed to prove that I was a good mom; that my kids were good kids. I put undue pressure on myself ~ on you. And even more so when we were around Dad's side of our family. It's been hard for me to feel as if my family unconditionally loves me. So, I figured to expect that from my husband's family, would be expecting too much. Thus, the quest to "fit-in" accordingly, kids and all. Actually, I betrayed myself and you children while seeking acceptance. Please forgive me. It wasn't you ~ it was me.

Never feeling as if I was a child, even when I was one, it's been hard for me to relate to you, your brother, and your sister on a childlike level. I think I've always been guilty of expecting you kids to think and act like adults. Ironically, I feel as if all of you often act more mature than I do; especially, when it comes to communication and confrontation. I've been trying to teach you, yet I am learning from you by your splendid examples. Thank you...

I feel that many misread you, Bee. Always hiding your fear or defeat, you come across as one who may sting. Yet, I have said this to many people: You are my child with the softest heart. The armor is a mask that you use to protect yourself from potential hurt. When you are vulnerable, you risk disappointing others ~ and that's something you'd rather avoid. It hurts too much. But, honey, let me tell you...true happiness comes once we are willing to take a chance by opening our hearts and allowing another in. Then we realize that the love was always there, waiting... {Oh, we are so much alike...}

"According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is possible."

~ Bee Movie 

Speaking about and defending your silence and strength, Papa Bob once said, "Some people view pain as a weakness." We were all cooking in the kitchen, and you burned yourself on the stove. Instead of letting us know what happened so we could comfort you, you fled the room in silence. You may have also thought that you were going to get into trouble for making the mistake of touching a hot stove. I'm not sure. All I know is that you ran and hid, when there were so many that loved you right there.

"Let me out I wanna get out now

You know the feeling when you're in too deep

And then you make it out the taste so sweet..."

~ DMB, Sweet  



Our bush -  normally full & bright-green,
has shed many leaves & is now a pretty shade
of lime-green, offering a view of its
smooth, brown branches.

You have never really been super-affectionate. I have sometimes wondered if that is my punishment for being so hard on you when you were so young. The only time that I could ever really snuggle with you was when you were sleeping. I can remember clearly, while we lived in Geneva, going into your bedroom after you were asleep so that I could sit and be with you. You were at peace. No defenses. Your angelic blonde hair and smooth skin were so pure, so precious. I would look at you with love and wonder if you were ever going to let me in. While you were asleep, you were you. Your true presence came through just like the beauty of autumn leaves no longer wearing the green mask of chlorophyll. Similarly, the way those who are about to transition are able to allow their true colors to shine through. The guard comes down, and only the soul is exposed ~ the true self.

"You are like a secret garden

As I shuffle through this broken town

Think of you and you are all around me

Like the sky when the sun's going down

I want to tell the whole wide world

And see how love can light your soul..."

~ DMB, Snow Outside 

Doing my best to respect your desire for privacy and alone time, I often find myself frustrated with our lack of interaction ~ I'd love more. When I was a teenager, part of me wished that I lived with my mom so that we could share daily conversation and camaraderie, but I lived with my dad. So, please, humor me when I come into your bedroom and plop myself down onto your bed. I don't mean to be annoying or pushy ~ I just want to bond with you ~ in any silly way. I want to know you. I want you to know that I am here for you.

I admire your loyalty. I especially admire how you never allow me to speak negatively about another without questioning me. You never allow me to blame someone else, because I'm not perfect myself. You hold me responsible for my life and for my attitude toward others.

"Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar."

~ Benjamin Franklin 
 

One piece of advice that I would like to give to you is this: Be the thermostat and not the thermometer. You tend to treat karma quite literally, when really karma is taken care of for you behind the scenes. You tend to treat people exactly how they treat you. How about if you try setting the tone? You be the leader. Watch and see how powerful you really are when you treat others with kindness. You will then attract it right back to you without having to wait for it to randomly show up. Give it a shot. I trust you.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

~ The Golden Rule, Matthew 7: 9-12

 

A few years back, I was told by a well-grounded, world-renowned intuitive that I definitely desired to be a mom in this lifetime, but that I would have much better relationships with my children once they were grown. I hold onto that hope, and I do see it being true. Regardless of your age, I usually feel too responsible for your actions, and I feel that causes distance between us.

"Go up to the land flowing with milk and honey..."

~ Exodus 33:3

Please know that you are a wonderful, beautiful person. I see your softness, I see your love. You are you, and you are good.

Happy Golden Year ~
Mom {a.k.a Madre, & maybe some other names...}

~ XOX ~

 

CLICK HERE for DailyOM's article, "One of a Kind: The Black Sheep"